 "Kyle, Kuku, you are my best disciples. You have attained great mastery in the ancient art of Kung-Fu, and it is now time for me to teach you how to transcend the possibilities of body and mind in armed and unarmed combat." "Yes, Master" "I have taught you how to win the fight. I have taught you how to lose the fight, with honour and modesty. Yet, you don’t know there is a third way in Kung-Fu. Now you must learn how to KILL the fight. To do so, you must learn how to see the animal within your opponent. You must learn to feel the beast breathing deep within his chest. To kill the man, before killing the beast. Only so will you kill the fight. But no word can teach you that. No word can give you the sense and feeling of killing the fight. Tomorrow, we shall leave our mountain and journey south. Leave the borders of Isisakai. To a place of evil – a place where man has long lost his soul and will show you the beast within. A place where you will either lose yours or fortify it." "Yes, Master" Kyle wasn’t sure he got precisely what the Master meant by "kill the fight", yet it reminded him of old songs he used to hear without understanding them when he was a child. Soon, he would know. And maybe have the honour of having his left arm cut off, too. Fanboyville, Redneckland – theatre of the greatest genocide since the Meteor; a place so deeply devastated by chemical and biological weapons none would think life possible within its area. Yet, despite the local authorities’ claims, the ruins of the city are still inhabited by a growing population of subhumanoid freaks. It is the place One-Armed Boxer has chosen to complete the training of his disciples, by an ultimate trial that might well be fatal to all of them. Attracted by the smell of urine near their encampment, the Retarded Revenger and his Challenged Legion are the ones Destiny chose to show the young monks… the beast within the man. Victory conditions : it couldn’t be more simple. Once you’ve smacked your opponent’s face and they’re knocked out, you’re the winner. Deployment : once again, it could hardly be more simple. Parties are deployed 15" away from each other. Go! Special rules : None Cast of characters One-Armed Boxer and his disciples
The Retarded Revenger & the Challenged Legion
The Retarded Revenger’s existence was modelled by his mental health problems and by an unhappy childhood, as his family used his flat head as a beer-can tray, which even he eventually found was not quite right. At the age of 27, he fled from his village to start a new life in Fanboyville, and he swore to take his revenge on the averagely-brained. He soon gathered a small gang of challenged people who emigrated to Fanboyville for similar reasons and also sought recognition of their great talents. Lardarse, for example, may have weight problems – but he can eat nearly anything in any quantity. Pretty cool. The Retarded Revenger therefore appointed him ministry of Food of his Empire. Blind Vizir has decided to develop his perceptions, by obscuring his sight. Therefore, he always wears bandage over his eyes. His enhanced perceptions have no effect in game terms, except that he is affected by the stupid flaw, to represent the fact it actually isn’t that easy to fight without seeing anything. There is also something special about Mr Rumble. He’s got a passion for dashing towards people head on, making engine noises. He feels happy that way, it seems. Master Beta, finally, is a sexual monomaniac who claims he learnt all he knows about kung-fu (which amounts to… not much) from some Master Alpha.
The Challenged Legion had the initiative, and showed a lot of discipline in their movement, as everyone preferred to advance rather than gaze at something in the distance.  Kyle and Kuku charged the first two freaks facing them. Thanks to his years of training, Kuku could deliver a fatal blow to Mr Rumble, who immediately bit the dust, while Kyle punched Master Beta’s jaw into his throat – causing him to die in agony. Behind them, One-Armed Boxer observed his disciples’ work and proceeded quietly towards the mob of freaking retards.  One-Armed Boxer saw a unique opportunity to strike the most dangerous opponent – he rushed towards him, when his superiorly developped senses warned him of a great danger. Too late: the Retarded Revenger had pressed the trigger of his piss-tol and already a acrid, stinky fluid reached his face, causing him to stop in surprise and disgust. Kuku and Kyle attacked the two fat monsters in front of them, who withstood their punches and kicks without any harm. Blind Vizir’s retaliation was fatal to Kuku, whose chest was sliced off his legs by the huge scimitar. Kyle, as for him, had no problem avoiding Lardarse awkward punches. The Retarded Revenger, obviously satisfied by his opponent’s horrified expression, charged One-Armed Boxer, who successfully parried each of his attacks with his single arm.  Unfortunately for the martial artists, Blind Vizir, thanks to the strong smell of urine on One-Armed Boxer, had no trouble detecting his precise location, charged him and combined his efforts with the Retarded Revenger for a devastating massed attack on the Fist of Isisakai! Even his exceptional fighting skills weren’t enough to withstand the incredible fury of the freaks, and quite unexpectedly, the Master was defeated.  Meanwhile, Kyle managed to get rid of the mighty Lardarse will a well aimed hokogishiwari in the eyes; after which he decided to bravely run away, confident that he wouldn’t succeed where his Master had failed.  His training was now complete, though – and he was now confident that he would know how to kill the fight and take his revenge on the abhumans of Fanboyville. Unbelievable! How could a mighty hero by Hasslefree Miniatures (manufacturers of the best martial artists around) be defeated by a foul mob of retards? Certainly, the fantastic characters by En-Dépit-Du-Bon-Sens Studios weighed a lot in the final outcome, but that was nonetheless quite surprising. Another (very minor) factor might be the huge discrepancy in dice rolls, though… Next time, it might be a good idea to involve more characters by our other great sponsors to even things out, like East Riding Miniatures 22nd Century Corporate World assassins, Obelisk Miniatures Gangstars, or Olley’s Armies ghouls... Back to the main page |
